Why, oh why, didn't I figure this out 27 years ago?!

I've been a fat chick for a very long time. Like maybe 27 years or so.

I remember my grandmother saying I was pudgy or fat or something. Maybe compared to my super stick-figured sister, but I've seen the pictures and I wasn't fat. Not even big. I was normal, or at least my body was.

But you tell someone they're fat long enough and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. 

I didn't have a normal, stable childhood. I was in a different school every year from K thru 7th grade. I was in two schools for Kindergarten and two for 5th grade. I didn't have any long term friendships except my sister. She was and is my longest and best friend.

Oh, and I'm a "Pastor's Kid" (PK). Yeah.. I got dealt an interesting deck. I'm also really good at burying the past. Usually to my own detriment.

I hated junior high. I got fatter and pimplier and covered in stretch marks and teased and teased. I worked in the student store and i stole food and ate and ate and ate away the pain. But that's not really true because I caused myself more pain by eating. Well shit, I just identified all the aberrant behavior of an addict. Go figure. (Keep on reading)

I've done diets. The first one I did when I was 13, between freshman and sophomore years over the summer. I lost a bunch of weight and was able to wear "regular" clothes to school. I was accepted socially. Life was strangely okay for a while. But... I put the weight back on, and more, over the next three years. I was in a size 18 dress for graduation.

Freshman year in college I got a job at a bakery. This was a HUGE mistake.

See... I'm a sugar addict. I didn't know this at the time. Not until later when I joined Compulsive Eaters Anonymous - HOW. That's like AA for food addicts. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

So 10 years of getting kicked out school, eating myself up another hundred pounds, using sex and drugs and alcohol but ultimately sticking with food to push down my feelings, no dealing with anything, no accountability. Wow.. that's just sad that it can be summarized so succinctly. Oh and I did quite a bit of dieting during that time too.

But then I went to the women's bible study at our church (I was 28 if I remember) and I went with my mom. I had a good job that let me eat an unbelievably huge amount of food. I met a woman in my group who had an eating disorder and told me about CEAHOW and that it had helped her. It took me several months to get to the place, mentally and spiritually, to decide to go, though. 

That first meeting was awesome. The speaker shared her story describing her life before joining and what has happened after. It was like listening to my life and it gave me hope. I was a convert and I joined. I had religion. I lost 100 lbs in 8 months. 30 in the first month. 20 in the 2nd.... and it's a 12 step program so I also started having to deal with what made me need to eat to push down the feelings.

Long story short: issues with my dad. But that's for another day.

I met my future husband while on the road to a smaller me. Bless him, he loved me fat and thin. He still does. My mom was diagnosed with Stage 2B breast cancer during this time too.

I fell off the wagon after those 8 months and struggled to get back on. I did after gaining some of the weight back. Lost. Gained. Yo-yo. Married. Gained back all 100 lbs. Decided I wanted a child. Joined CEAHOW again, but really had a struggle finding religion again. Damn my head. 

During this time, my mom got sicker, got tumors and eventually passed away. I got pregnant with my son about 6 months after her death. I divorced my father 3 months after that. Again, another day.

So my son was born a little over 5 years ago and I've put back on all the weight, plus a few more for good measure. At the beginning of 2010 I was my highest at 322+ lbs. (probably closer to 327-330 but i didn't check)

I joined a walking/running club with my neighbor in January and joined Weight Watchers for a couple of months. I lost about 20 lbs the first season and walked my first half-marathon. That was quite an emotional experience.

My sister, awesome person that she is, bought me something amazing for Mother's Day: a genetic testing kit. She got one for my brother too. 

Why? Well we have some serious history on both sides of the family. Mom and grandma both had breast cancer around age 50. Mom died of it at 53. Grandma died of pancreatic cancer in her 60's. Grandpa died of colon cancer at 70. Flip to Dad's side. Grandpa had a heart attack in his early 50's and had 3 valves replaced. He died of a heart attack in his early 70's.  Grandma had heart palpitations and varicose veins. She died of "old age" at 80.

So we got tested. And guess what: I have some seriously scary genetic traits showing as "increased risk". Oddly the three breast cancer markers they test for came back "normal", but i am a high risk for Type II Diabetes and heart problems.

*ring* *ring* "Hello, this is your wake up call!"

So I've decided I'd like to be alive for a little while longer. I don't know how much "Nature vs. Nurture" I've got working, but I'm pushing it with the "nurture" portion.

I've been obese for a very long time. I've been gaining or losing weight for as long as I can remember. I'm really tired of not dealing with my demons and it manifesting as an eating disorder. I'm really tired of it. 

I slowly reached this point. I haven't hit a "bottom" or anything; I've been thinking a very long time about things going on in my life. I haven't had a mutual relationship with the Lord for a long time and I'm suffering for it. I've been unemployed for almost a year and have been showing signs of going into a depression for a while. I had a really painful yet good cry on my husband's shoulder earlier this week about all my fears and revelations and desires. Bless him, he's been amazing at helping me with these goals.

So I thought, well heck, if you're going to bother, why not write it down for the world to read. Maybe it'll help someone else. Maybe it'll just be a good way to stop it from swimming around in your head. Likely the latter will be more the case.

I have decided to seriously change my diet. All the research shows a plant-based diet low in "bad fat" helps with the heart, fighting cancer, lowers blood sugar, all that jazz. So I'm studying how to eat correctly both to benefit my body and to benefit my mind (i.e. enjoy it). 

Thus this blog is my record of delving into vegetarianism with a hint of vegan. Likely I'll have some fish, cheese, eggs and milk along the way. I mean I have been a compulsive eater, addicted to sugar, and a foodie for a long time. I have a hard time with moderation, but I have a goal and it involves the rest of my life.

So, onward to the intarweb for research and such. I'll post the various things I find. Any help is always appreciated!