Butterfly Effect to Good Will Hunting

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was having conversations with the dead and the estranged all night instead. Conversations with my grandfather about what a complete asshole he was for never dealing with all the pain, suffering, anguish and guilt he felt after going through the war and instead beating his son every day for the most minor infractions. About how not loving a child unconditionally and expecting perfection are incredibly damaging behaviors and produce a adult who cannot love unconditionally and is himself a perfectionist. 

How expecting perfection out of yourself results in feeling like you're never good enough. Good enough for your parent, good enough for his love, good enough for yourself. How it results in creating an adult who has a perfectionist personality disorder that manifests itself in abuse of his children, physically and mentally, and self abuse in the form of alcoholism and an eating disorder.

About how his grandchildren suffered because he couldn't ever love his son and his son wasn't good enough. How his grandchildren now have the same perfectionist personality disorder and weren't loved without condition by their father.

I wanted to hit my grandfather. I wanted to make him understand. But I can't. He's dead. And even if he was alive he wouldn't understand anyway. People like him, people like my father, people who hurt and hurt others because they hate themselves so much cannot ever understand. Because they will never own what they did. Their perfectionism won't let them because then they wouldn't be perfect. 

It took me years to remember some of the shit my father put me through. Years to finally admit that I had horrible self-loathing because I could never be the perfect person he demanded to receive his love. I had glimpses of that revelation while in college, but stuffed it down with food, drugs, sex and alcohol, escaping into books, TV, the internet. The revelation came again while in a 12 step program for eating disorders. I still stuff it down over and over when I can't deal with my imperfection.

As I lay in bed last night I had a flash of Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting telling Matt Damon "it's not your fault" and him saying "I know" and Robin repeating over and over again "it's not your fault, it's not your fault". 

And you know what: It's not my fault that my dad had a dad who was an asshole and turned my dad into one too. It's not my fault. It's not my fault.

I cried a lot saying that to myself because I don't believe it's not my fault. Well consciously I do, but unconsciously I know I don't. Or at least I'm having a really hard time forgiving myself for not being perfect. Almost 40 years of conditioning will do that.

The only saving grace in my life was mother. She loved us as her parents did, as God intended parents to love their children: unconditionally. Time with her was peaceful, fun. Time with her was being a child.

Time with my father was stressful. He's a high maintenance person whose mood changed in the flash of an eye. One minute he was fine and the next minute you were getting your ass beat for God only knows what reason. Believe me, the infraction did not deserve the punishment. I learned early, age 6 as I recall, that my father's volatile behavior should be avoided as much as possible. I was at a new school, in first grade, and the kids were throwing the F word around left and right. I'd never heard the word before so I asked my parents "Is fuck a bad word?" My dad jumped off the couch yelling "where did you hear that word, don't you ever say that again!!" I was six for God's sake, and asking a totally innocent question. Way to scare the hell out of me and make me cry big man. That was when I first knew I couldn't trust my dad to react rationally.

I was so afraid to have children for so long because I had so much anger and I got so angry all the time. A lot of prayer, working a 12-step program, doing a lot of soul searching and crying, having an amazing husband and partner, and having two sibling who understand everything I'm going through helped me reach a point that I has less trepidations about it.

I lost my mom 6 1/2 years ago but I think of her every day. Especially today. It would have been her 60th birthday. Suffice it to say, the wrong parent died. But she's in a MUCH better place. I still miss her lots.

So I try to channel my "inner mom" whenever I can. I tell my son I love him all the time. I tell him I'm proud of him. That it's okay to make mistakes. That I love him no matter what. Because that's how my mom treated me and I'm a better person for it. 

The cycle of perfectionist expectations stops with me. If I could go back and change something, I don't know that I would. Because I have an awesome husband and son and I love them so much. Even if I could go back and change the way I dealt with life, even if I could tell my mom she was dying of breast cancer, even if I could tell my grandfather he was a piece of shit and to leave his son alone, I wouldn't. It is who I am and it is the hand I was dealt. I've been embracing my victim status for so long I don't know how not to be one. Not yet. I've always thought of myself as strong but I know I'm not... not really. I just have awesome aggression and lame coping skills.

My conversations with the dead have led to a further evolution of my self assessment: I'm tired of being a victim; it's not a way to live. I'm tired of having the same reaction to stress, to life. I'm tired of lame coping skills. They give me nothing but trouble and pain.

Food is my crutch. It enables me to stuff down all the shit I can't seem to cope with. But the thing is, I have to experience the shit if I ever want to evolve my coping skills. I need a real life mental cleansing. I need to get all the darkness, sweep out all the cobwebs, expose the pain to the light, and forgive myself. Ultimately I need to forgive myself. And keep repeating "It's not my fault".

Adventures in Vegan Food - the start...

Today I began my quest for yummy vegetarian and vegan food that will satisfy not only my OCD eating disorder needs but also my love of good food. I also wanted to start with something that I knew both my husband and I enjoy: hummus!

I had a busy day today. Well I had a lot of waiting time with a little bit of prep work sprinkled within. I made spicy hummus and pita bread from scratch via a couple of recipes I found in Vegetarian Times. By the way, if you don't subscribe and you love veg*n food, if you want tasty gluten-free food, or if you just want some awesome recipes, you need to subscribe to this publication!

These recipes are in the current (September 2010) issue starting on page 40. I modified the "Classic Hummus" recipe to my tastes (more garlic, salt and heat), but I made the pita per the instructions. My husband and I both though the pita needed more salt as it was rather bland. Probably double or triple the amount (1/2-3/4 tsp. instead of 1/4 tsp.) because, honestly, bread gets it flavor from salt and yeast and need enough of both to do the job. But with the hummus on it, it was quite tasty.

My hope is to develop a whole-wheat or multi-grain version of the pita. Mmmmm... multigrain sounds FABULOUS!!!

First, picture o' the completed fare; and, yes, I love stripes. What you're looking at is my spicy hummus drizzled with EVOO and a sprinkling of paprika, fresh pita, and red bell pepper and carrots for additional dipping options.

And now, the recipes:

I started with chickpeas (garbanzo beans) cooked from scratch:

(Prep: 8 hours - Cook: 90 minutes - rest: 30 minutes = 10 hours)
Note: This yields 6 cups of cooked chickpeas, but only 3 cups are required for the hummus. (I made two batches of hummus, but you can freeze the remainder of the chickpeas to use later)

1. Pour 1 lb. dried chickpeas on flat surface, and pick trough to remove any stones or broken chickpeas.

2. Rinse and drain chickpeas (I forgot to do this during my pre-coffee morning stupor. They still came out fine.) Place in large bowl (I used a stock pot) with 10+ cups of water; let soak 8 hours, or overnight.

3. Drain soaked chickpeas, then rinse and drain again, and place chickpeas in large pot with 10 cups water; bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low, partially cover, and simmer 90 minutes. (Note: I just read that if you add a small strip of kombu, a sea vegetable, to the chickpeas while they are cooking it will soften them and i ncrease their digestibility, as well as their nutritional value).

4. Remove from heat, cover pot, and let stand 30 minutes. Skim off any chickpeas that have floated to top. Drain well.

Spicy Hummus (modified from Classic Hummus recipe)

(Prep: 5 minutes plus time to prepare chickpeas - Processing: 6-7 minutes)

3 cups cooked chickpeas, or (2) 15-oz. cans chickpeas, rinsed and drained twice, hot or warmed in microwave

1/3 c. fresh lemon juice (roughly the juice of 2 lemons)

4 cloves garlic (or 2 tsp. minced garlic)

1/2 c. tahini

2 Tbs. extra-virgin olive oil (EVOO)

3/4 tsp. sea salt

1/2 tsp. cayenne pepper

1/4 tsp. paprika

Garnish: EVOO and additional paprika

1. Puree warm chickpeas, lemon juice, garlic and 2/3 cup water in food processor 3-4 minutes, or until smooth, scraping down sides of bowl if necessary.

2. Add tahini, EVOO, salt, cayenne pepper and paprika, and puree 2 minutes, or until mixture has consistency of soft cream cheese, adding 1-2 Tbs. water, if necessary. Taste and add additional salt, if desired.

3. Refrigerate until cold. Spread into a thin (1/2" thick) layer onto a plate, drizzle with EVOO and sprinkle with paprika. Serve with fresh pita and veggies (e.g. sliced bell peppers, carrots, scallions, etc.)

Cast-Iron Skillet Pita Bread (from Vegetarian Times 9/2010 page 45)

(Dough prep/proofing: 3 hours 15 minutes - Cook time: 30-45 minutes)

3 1/2 c. all-purpose flour, divided, plus more for dusting work surface

1 tsp. active dry yeast (measure from a packet, which usually holds 2-1/4 tsp.)

1 tsp. sugar (I used raw cane sugar)

1/4 tsp. sea salt (I recommend increasing this to 1/2 or 3/4 tsp.)

3 Tbs. olive oil

Canola oil, for greasing skillet

1. Mix 1 c. flour, yeast, sugar, and 1 c. lukewarm (115 F) water in large bowl with fork. Cover with clean kitchen towel, and let stand in warm place 30 minutes, or until mixture is thick and bubbly.

2. Stir 2 c. flour, salt, and 1/2 c. water into yeast mixture. Knead 2-3 minutes with hands or dough hook of electric mixer until dough is smooth. Add remaining 1/2 c. flour and olive oil; knead 2-3 minutes more, or until dough comes together. (Note: I left it in the mixer for more like 5-7 minutes and sprinkled 2-3 extra Tbs. of flour into the bowl as it was pretty sticky)

3. Transfer dough to a floured work surface, and knead 5-7 minutes more or until dough is no longer sticky. (If you leave it in the mixer longer like I did, then really only 2-3 minutes of kneading is required). Note: this dough is pretty soft.

4. Shape dough into ball, place in floured bowl, and cover with kitchen towel. Let rise 1 hour, or until dough has doubled in size. Punch down dough, cover, and let rise 30 minutes more.

5. Shape dough into 10 2-inch balls on floured work surface. cover with kitchen towel, and let rise 30 minutes. Roll balls into 1/4-inch-thick circles. Cover and let stand 30 minutes more.

6. Brush cast iron (or other heavy-bottomed pan) skillet with canola oil, and heat over high heat. Turn heat down to med-high heat and place 1 dough circle on skillet. Cook 1 1/2 minutes per side, or until pita is puffed, pushing on puffed pita with spatula to cook edges. Repeat with remaining dough circles, leaving heat at med-high, and oiling skillet as necessary.

7. Serve with prepared hummus and enjoy!

So what did I get for all this?

Chickpeas: Iron, phosphorus, sulfur, potassium, protein, fiber, complex carbs

Tahini: Zinc, calcium, protein

Garlic: superfood (anti-bacterial, antioxidant) 

Extra virgin olive oil: Vitamin E, Vitamin K, EFAs (Essential Fatty Acids)

wheat flour: B vitamins, iron, (less) complex carbs

red bell pepper: Vitamin C, fiber

carrots (raw): Vitamin A, fiber, Betacarotene

The Research Begins...

Searching for nutritional needs of humans on the intarwebs... found a pretty awesome site:

http://www.veggieglobal.com/nutrition/

Will see what I can do to summarize what i find... looking forward to analysis and meal planning!

Tomorrow I'm hitting the local Indian market to pick up some ingredients to make home-made hummus and pita. Om nom nom!

Exercise is the Key? WTF!!

Every time I've tried to lose weight in the past it has been a change in food only. Exercise was second or non-existent.

As I stated earlier, it has taken me a long time to reach the decision to change my lifestyle. Many factors have influenced this decision, but ultimately I've realized that my one and only goal is to feel healthy.

What??? Healthy??? What about looking like a supermodel? Nope. Not my motivation. I just want to feel healthy. That's my definition of success.

So in January I started with exercise instead of starting with food modification. Interestingly enough, if you exercise your body craves good(er) food. I really enjoy eating "good for you" foods and often feel really crappy if I eat high fat or high sugar foods. Heavy proteins (read: beef) I can take in moderation but I'd really rather have a nice piece of fish or some grilled chicken nowadays.

Today I started out the day walking 7 miles with my SacFIT group. I maintained a 19 minute mile pace pretty well and pushed it as hard as I could the last 2 minutes just to do it.

"Well awesome" you might comment, and i thank you if you do, but I cannot lie: I seriously didn't want to go out this morning. I went to sleep at 3 AM and woke up at 6:15 (after my alarm was snoozed several times starting at 5:40). I hit it the last time at 6:10 and lay in bed having a conversation with myself that went something like this:

"Oh please God just let me go back to sleep. I just want to sleep." "No you need to get up and do this." "Why? I already posted last night on Facebook that I'm feeling a bit crappy like I'm getting something." "Yeah but you don't feel like that right now and every time you exaggerate an illness enough to use it as an excuse you end up getting really really sick - fucking karma bites you every time." "Yeah it does bite me every time - that is so unfair - or is it fair" "Whatever, just get your ass out of bed and get ready. You didn't get anything ready and you need to leave in 15 minutes." "Yeah good thing I showered last night and at least know where my clothes are." "Yep, so let's do this. Get your tired zombie butt moving." "Besides, you'll have to face your neighbor and tell her you were sick with a straight face if you flake." "Yeah that would suck."

And thus I arose and stumbled about the house, got my gear ready, silently thanked my neighbor for the accountability, and blearily climbed into the car (she drove) to head over to the park.

I write this because this kind of inner dialogue is what has plagued me my whole life. Usually I stop at the first or third sentence and go back to sleep, or give up on a food plan, or take the easiest route. I have a hard time with my compulsive behavior because it has ruled me so long. But frankly I'm really sick of it. I have come to realize that giving into impulses leads to excess and a serious lack of satisfaction because I didn't really sacrifice or earn anything to get it.

This attitude may not make sense to some, but anticipating or saving for or working towards something makes me appreciate it. My whole life has been more of a "I brainlessly ate the entire cheesecake, but didn't really taste it or appreciate it, so it wasn't that good and didn't satisfy much, if anything."

So this morning I can say that I feel I accomplished something. Yeah I walked 7 miles, but more I overcame the entropy of my bed. And have no regrets.

Why, oh why, didn't I figure this out 27 years ago?!

I've been a fat chick for a very long time. Like maybe 27 years or so.

I remember my grandmother saying I was pudgy or fat or something. Maybe compared to my super stick-figured sister, but I've seen the pictures and I wasn't fat. Not even big. I was normal, or at least my body was.

But you tell someone they're fat long enough and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. 

I didn't have a normal, stable childhood. I was in a different school every year from K thru 7th grade. I was in two schools for Kindergarten and two for 5th grade. I didn't have any long term friendships except my sister. She was and is my longest and best friend.

Oh, and I'm a "Pastor's Kid" (PK). Yeah.. I got dealt an interesting deck. I'm also really good at burying the past. Usually to my own detriment.

I hated junior high. I got fatter and pimplier and covered in stretch marks and teased and teased. I worked in the student store and i stole food and ate and ate and ate away the pain. But that's not really true because I caused myself more pain by eating. Well shit, I just identified all the aberrant behavior of an addict. Go figure. (Keep on reading)

I've done diets. The first one I did when I was 13, between freshman and sophomore years over the summer. I lost a bunch of weight and was able to wear "regular" clothes to school. I was accepted socially. Life was strangely okay for a while. But... I put the weight back on, and more, over the next three years. I was in a size 18 dress for graduation.

Freshman year in college I got a job at a bakery. This was a HUGE mistake.

See... I'm a sugar addict. I didn't know this at the time. Not until later when I joined Compulsive Eaters Anonymous - HOW. That's like AA for food addicts. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

So 10 years of getting kicked out school, eating myself up another hundred pounds, using sex and drugs and alcohol but ultimately sticking with food to push down my feelings, no dealing with anything, no accountability. Wow.. that's just sad that it can be summarized so succinctly. Oh and I did quite a bit of dieting during that time too.

But then I went to the women's bible study at our church (I was 28 if I remember) and I went with my mom. I had a good job that let me eat an unbelievably huge amount of food. I met a woman in my group who had an eating disorder and told me about CEAHOW and that it had helped her. It took me several months to get to the place, mentally and spiritually, to decide to go, though. 

That first meeting was awesome. The speaker shared her story describing her life before joining and what has happened after. It was like listening to my life and it gave me hope. I was a convert and I joined. I had religion. I lost 100 lbs in 8 months. 30 in the first month. 20 in the 2nd.... and it's a 12 step program so I also started having to deal with what made me need to eat to push down the feelings.

Long story short: issues with my dad. But that's for another day.

I met my future husband while on the road to a smaller me. Bless him, he loved me fat and thin. He still does. My mom was diagnosed with Stage 2B breast cancer during this time too.

I fell off the wagon after those 8 months and struggled to get back on. I did after gaining some of the weight back. Lost. Gained. Yo-yo. Married. Gained back all 100 lbs. Decided I wanted a child. Joined CEAHOW again, but really had a struggle finding religion again. Damn my head. 

During this time, my mom got sicker, got tumors and eventually passed away. I got pregnant with my son about 6 months after her death. I divorced my father 3 months after that. Again, another day.

So my son was born a little over 5 years ago and I've put back on all the weight, plus a few more for good measure. At the beginning of 2010 I was my highest at 322+ lbs. (probably closer to 327-330 but i didn't check)

I joined a walking/running club with my neighbor in January and joined Weight Watchers for a couple of months. I lost about 20 lbs the first season and walked my first half-marathon. That was quite an emotional experience.

My sister, awesome person that she is, bought me something amazing for Mother's Day: a genetic testing kit. She got one for my brother too. 

Why? Well we have some serious history on both sides of the family. Mom and grandma both had breast cancer around age 50. Mom died of it at 53. Grandma died of pancreatic cancer in her 60's. Grandpa died of colon cancer at 70. Flip to Dad's side. Grandpa had a heart attack in his early 50's and had 3 valves replaced. He died of a heart attack in his early 70's.  Grandma had heart palpitations and varicose veins. She died of "old age" at 80.

So we got tested. And guess what: I have some seriously scary genetic traits showing as "increased risk". Oddly the three breast cancer markers they test for came back "normal", but i am a high risk for Type II Diabetes and heart problems.

*ring* *ring* "Hello, this is your wake up call!"

So I've decided I'd like to be alive for a little while longer. I don't know how much "Nature vs. Nurture" I've got working, but I'm pushing it with the "nurture" portion.

I've been obese for a very long time. I've been gaining or losing weight for as long as I can remember. I'm really tired of not dealing with my demons and it manifesting as an eating disorder. I'm really tired of it. 

I slowly reached this point. I haven't hit a "bottom" or anything; I've been thinking a very long time about things going on in my life. I haven't had a mutual relationship with the Lord for a long time and I'm suffering for it. I've been unemployed for almost a year and have been showing signs of going into a depression for a while. I had a really painful yet good cry on my husband's shoulder earlier this week about all my fears and revelations and desires. Bless him, he's been amazing at helping me with these goals.

So I thought, well heck, if you're going to bother, why not write it down for the world to read. Maybe it'll help someone else. Maybe it'll just be a good way to stop it from swimming around in your head. Likely the latter will be more the case.

I have decided to seriously change my diet. All the research shows a plant-based diet low in "bad fat" helps with the heart, fighting cancer, lowers blood sugar, all that jazz. So I'm studying how to eat correctly both to benefit my body and to benefit my mind (i.e. enjoy it). 

Thus this blog is my record of delving into vegetarianism with a hint of vegan. Likely I'll have some fish, cheese, eggs and milk along the way. I mean I have been a compulsive eater, addicted to sugar, and a foodie for a long time. I have a hard time with moderation, but I have a goal and it involves the rest of my life.

So, onward to the intarweb for research and such. I'll post the various things I find. Any help is always appreciated!